I have some pretty suspicious friends. Jealous, schematic, almost crazy. Most of the time, the "movies" created in their overly imaginative heads are just that: science fiction of their own. In others, it may be said that the saying that "on the back of others I see mine" applies well. They are jealous and suspicious because they see in the pair what they do, have done or would like to do. This of course also applies to the opposite sex. I had a boyfriend who was too jealous (at the sick level) who proved it was because he himself did the things he unjustly accused me of doing. However, it is also the case that such a lie or omission does exist, and the "movie" of the head turns out to be quite reliable. I had been walking around Chiado for a while while talking on the phone with a friend and, coincidentally or not, while talking to her, I came across her husband who was across the street. I noticed some nervousness, but I did not hesitate and let out an inevitable, unconscious and supernatural shout: "Ana, look! John is there!" She remained mute beyond the line as he gestured in disarray with every step that approached me: "I'm talking to your wife!" I exclaimed, as if I'd had the funniest date of all time. The couple does not live in Lisbon and he supposedly should not be in Lisbon, but rather in Leiria. She began a speech that was too fast and out of control, and he, calm in his appearance, hurried to explain to me. I had not told her that I would come to Lisbon on business because she is really jealous and a simple trip to Lisbon, even more to Chiado, "where beautiful women can pass" – would be an affront to their relationship.
Since I know my friend well, I almost understand his failure to say that he would go to Lisbon. But is a relationship based on lies and omissions healthy, even if it is to protect the other or to avoid trouble that will lead nowhere? "Whatever the omission will always have a big impact on the relationship. It's something that stays between the couple. A 'cancer' that sets in and doesn't come out. The person who omits or lies will always have that feeling inside him. carry, ad aeternum, the weight of the lie, or the more-than-many lies.The result is less genuineness in gestures and acts and a sense of guilt that settles in. Ideally, there is no room for the lie as godly as it is. Or for the omission. In a logic of costs, the cost of repair is always higher ", says the couple therapist Rita Fonseca de Castro. But the belief is not unanimous. Fernanda Salvaterra, from the Family Therapy Society, believes that "there are sometimes truths that should not be told to the other, which can hurt and hurt. It relieves the conscience of one, but gives the other an immense pain. Does not benefit the relationship ", he concludes. In another logic of thought that almost forgives the lie, or at least tries to understand it, Fernanda explains that often the lie is the inability of one of the couple's members to express themselves. "This is usually someone insecure and low on self-esteem who, in order to avoid judgment, criticism or conflict, lies and omits." In the story of my friend and husband surprised by me, in the middle of Chiado, and knowing both people, one could say that he is a man who does everything to avoid conflict with a woman who, say, can become too suffocating, almost psycho? Perhaps.
In 2017, a Harris Institute survey revealed that 10% of daily conversations between spouses were made up of small lies or omissions. Another study conducted in the same framework by Texas Woman's University in 2014, conducted among couples, found that it is easier to accept a lie when you are the subject of the lie and not the receiver. That is, it is acceptable to lie, especially if it is to spare the other, as it is the case of confessing a betrayal, for example, but becomes unacceptable when you are the person lying, even if not to be hurt. When it comes to betrayal (which couple therapist Rita de Castro considers a lie per se), Fernanda Salvaterra analyzes it as follows: "Revealing that there has been betrayal is crucial, but it may be beneficial to change some issues related to betrayal as , for example, not deepening who the other person is, how (he or she) is, what he / she does, etc… "To sum up the therapist's words, it is beneficial for both of them to practice a dance between the lie, the truth and the omission. Lisa Letessier, author of Le Mensonge Dans Le Couple (Éditions Odile Jacob), told Madame Figaro that before writing the book she was an avid defender of transparency in the couple. However, throughout the writing process his perspective shifted slightly: "One day we are very much in love and the next day our companion comes out of the sight of our eyes. It will be so necessary, in fact, to inform you to minimal variation in feeling about him? A couple's life is sinusoidal, "he concluded. He also spoke of the importance of all having our "secret garden", a space that belongs to each individual being and that does not imply the other at all. A space that offers couples ventilation areas and recharging opportunities. "Having your secret garden and accepting the other is a way to respect your freedom and that of your partner."
In an opinion article for The New York Times about Valentine's Day, philosopher and novelist Clancy Martin suggests that relationships only last if we don't always say what comes to mind. That we have to "disguise our feelings, pretend and smile, even when we just feel like screaming. In short, we have to lie." It clarifies that we all tell lies and tell them shockingly: research shows that on average, in ordinary conversation people lie two to three times every ten minutes. Especially when it comes to love: because we care more about love than most things and because it causes us more fear than most things – and caring and fearing are two of the most common reasons for lying.
Little lies between couple
Adultery often responds to the desire to restore the ego. A man who listens every night "You haven't put the dishes in the machine yet ?!" or a woman who does not feel desired may one day want to go out to find more understanding arms. Then there is the old and intimate question of the truths and lies that happen in bed. "The intimate lie is by no means positive. Even if it serves not to hurt the other. There must be openness to dialogue, to empathic and authentic communication. Always respecting the fact that the other may be offended." So how can you address such a misunderstood issue? "Start by valuing all that is well and speak from a constructive perspective", explains Rita de Castro.
In addition to intimacy, there are other themes that tarnish a relationship with the lie: "Emotional questions … The person can tell how you feel, pious lies or selfless omissions, think you are sparing the other, secrets that come of the life before the relationship … And, no less heavy, the financial situation ", lists the therapist. Fernanda Salvaterra, from the Family Therapy Society, agrees and adds social networking as one of the biggest propellers of lies today. However, for the therapist, she communicates more and better between couples and intimate conversations are becoming more common. "In our grandparents' time there was no such opening," he clarifies. Rita de Castro, however, considers the opposite: "We talk less and less between couples and this is a gross mistake." The main cause is that there is less and less time for dialogue due to the mind-blowing lifestyle in which we live. "One of the prescriptions I make is for the couple to take at least ten minutes a day to talk, to know how the day went, how their work went… But effective communication. Really listen and truly speak."
After the lie comes the storm
Imagine taking a plate and tossing it to the floor. Then pick up all the shards and pieces and put them back together. It may once again become a dish and even assume its function, but the cracks will be there for eternity. There is no way to make them disappear. This metaphor serves well to demonstrate what goes on in a relationship visited by lies. "After the lie, and depending on the size and the way it was communicated, feelings like resentment and guilt arise.
What follows is a harsh process of restoration of trust that will always be more difficult than if there had been the management of a truth told in the first instance, "explains Rita de Castro. Therapist Fernanda Salvaterra highlights disappointment as the final outcome of a lie or omission. "Rebuilding trust is very difficult. It is almost impossible to maintain confidence as it was. This is a therapy job: I understand what happened and why it happened. There are two people in the process and there are no lonely faults. It is important to consider why one member felt the need to look for someone else… "
Ultimately, and as Madame Figaro, author of Le Mensonge Dans Le Couple, explained, it is always more tiring to lie than to tell the truth: "When we lie, many things happen in our heads. The frontal lobe (responsible for reflection and planning) , the cerebellum (involved in performing tasks) and the parietal cortex (involved in the management …
(tagsToTranslate) lie (t) relationship (t) couple (t) betrayal (t) deceives me that I like (t) dock